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Thirty years ago, my parents hosted a German exchange student. She and her family have always been a part of our lives – and the lives of many of the friends she made in the small town where I grew up. When my father became seriously ill in May, Heddes Harzheim-Sambes, a long-ago German exchange student, came to the United States to accompany his parents.
We’ve celebrated a lot together over the decades – weddings, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, but we all recognize that this trip is different.
One day in May, while I was sleeping with her in my father’s hospital room, she started telling me about her father’s death a few years ago. After she finished, we sat in silence for a while—a kind of comfortable silence between those who knew and loved each other, and in the heavy moments. Finally, she said: “In August, we are planning a holiday to Croatia. I am sure we will come back here.”
I assured her that we felt her love, and so did my dad – she didn’t need to cancel her family’s vacation plans. But as we’ve learned over the years, once Herdis makes up his mind, there’s not much the rest of us can do. The only problem is that she has no one to take care of their dog. I suggested fostering a dog, but she said, “You wouldn’t do that in Germany.”
We also learn to go with the flow when she says things like that. Almost joking, I said, “Okay, maybe Greer can ride the dog.”
Greer is our 24 year old daughter in graduate school in Florida.
Herdis asked, “Will Greer come to Germany to watch dogs?”
I said, “Ask it.”
We called Greer and she was ready for an adventure – which is why our daughter left Germany earlier this month to get a dog for three weeks in Germany. Herdis and her family picked her up in Stuttgart and spent less than 24 hours showing her around their home and the small village near the Black Forest.
Herdis called an English-speaking woman in the village and introduced her to Greer, just in case. The next morning, Heddes and her family traveled to the United States.
Greer has been adjusting to life there since then, as she completed an online summer course and completed the semester as a teaching assistant for another course. Due to the heavy workload, she spent most of her first week in Germany writing or grading.
However, she ventured to the pharmacist on foot and drove to the grocery store about 3 kilometers away. So far, she says she has learned to say please and thank you in German. Her other major observation about life there is that Germans really love Pringles.
Now that the semester is over, she plans to relax for the week ahead – something she’s ready to do. Our friend lives in a century old house with a swimming pool in the garden. She joked that all of her travel plans for this trip were based on the movie “Vacation.”
I have always encouraged her to take risks. She is content to relax in the sun alone. Her handling of this time has little in common with my handling of similar situations.
The juxtaposition of views and behavior between parents and children is a very interesting and potentially difficult area to negotiate. I realize the fine line between gentle encouragement and nagging. When I offer advice and advice, she is keen to point out the difference between empathy and boundaries.
When Herdis and her family returned to Germany, Greer knew an adventure was coming.
In the meantime, we’re glad our family’s choice of German contingencies is here. My dad was very excited about their visit – they came at just the right time. Even in the best of times, few people can get my dad to do anything other than what he wants to do. Herdis knew how to step in and give my mom a break. Plus, she can command him better than any of us.
Meanwhile, our daughter needs someone to watch her dog while she sits on the other side of the pond dog.
So, he is with us.
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