People Are Best Entertainment – Indoor Magazine

By: Jack Godby

freelance columnist

I’ve always found people’s actions and conversations more interesting than an episode of The World Turns. Sadly, a lot of what I heard on “The Jerry Springer Show” was probably more familiar than soap opera.

I love the things that make us different and unique. Regular readers of this column know that I enjoy the way people speak, and the way different regions speak. I was talking to a gentleman from another country who said that although he spoke several languages, English seemed to trip him up the most. This is not surprising, as some words are spelled the same but have different meanings, and depending on which part of the country you are from, we may have a completely different set of words that only people from that region will understand.

In addition to weird languages, we have foods that no one in our own country has ever heard of, let alone someone else. Where else can you find every breaded and fried meat known to man? Don’t forget that each dish comes with grits. I have to admit I’m not a big fan of grits. I’m not entirely sure I know what grit is, and I’m not willing to find out.

When I was growing up, my mom would boil a pot of white rice and drown it in butter and sugar. To me, this is how rice should taste. Imagine my surprise years later when I ordered rice at a “Southern” restaurant and found it wasn’t sweet at all. This place is out of butter sandwiches, fried green tomatoes, cookies and syrup. It’s obvious they know nothing about southern cooking.

I’ve written about weird Southern proverbs before, and when I think back to my childhood, I’m reminded of gems that would make anyone trying to learn English cry in cornflakes. When I ate too many bologna sandwiches and couldn’t fit into my school uniform, my mom would say, “well, I’m Swanee”. What the hell is a swan? If you ask a Southerner if they can help you move, they’ll say, “I probably can”. I’m not sure if that means they will show up.

I’ve heard that when someone is angry, they are “anger than a wet hen”. I’ve seen some angry hens before, but none were wet. Except that one time, I sprayed one with a hose, but that’s another story. The person may then “hiss.” If you don’t know what a hissing is, you’re not alone, but it’s usually pretty clear when someone does.

I’ve heard people say that girls are “beautiful as peaches”. So, is her face orange and fuzzy? I feel strange. Many times, I’ve also asked someone what they’re doing and they say, “It’s just boring.” Where to go to learn the art of stir-frying?

Someone once said I was “getting too big”. Well, thanks to the invention of macaroni and cheese, I’ve grown too big since I was 5 years old. Nothing new.

I’ve heard people say they “got the wrong tree”. Even if you’re barking at the right tree, you’re still likely to commit if you do bark. This is not normal behavior.

There are so many of these southern expressions that I could list “until the cows come home.” Since no one knows exactly when that is, I’ll just end it here.